Resolutions

Here we are in 2006. I’m feeling a bit somber; all too serious for my liking and for the season. I’m living, breathing, smiling, eating, sleeping, laughing, loving, working but I find through it all, the level of my tears holds steady at my cheekbones. Simply tipping my head too abruptly causes them to overflow. Unadulterated joy is desirable but feels a bit out of reach. I find it difficult not to be swept away by everyday desperation here and overwhelmed by the bottomless need. Of course, as friends have told me, suffering is relative and I should not judge the lives of people here by my standards of well-being and happiness but I am unable to turn off the switch.

Small scenes and realizations refill the reservoir in my head. Scenes such as the woman who does not smile or even look at her baby as I place it crying and squirming on her belly and then tells me she does not want to breastfeed . . . now. Or the vision of the woman who I talked to, laughed with, and encouraged day after day for a couple weeks - as she waited with her husband on the hospital grounds for the birth of her child - finally leaving the hospital with empty arms and a re-broken heart (two pregnancies, two deliveries, no living children). Or learning from Doreen’s sister (who also gave birth to a boy “Prince” two weeks ago) as they set out a beautiful meal of nsima, beef, and vegetables for me and my friend that they did not eat Christmas day because there simply was no food. (Doreen said their Christmas was “fine” but her 22-year-old sister Mercy laughed, clicked her tongue and then looking at Doreen but talking to me, said there was no food.)

I am not enough for myself or for others, and aspiring to be a good force in the world does not necessarily bring light. In my typical way of overthinking and analyzing I have been mentally shuffling through my list of my heroes but came up with few to none who could be characterized both as joyous people, as well as people who are/were deeply engaged with life and fully awake in the world. (I’m sure I’m missing many, so help me out if someone jumps to mind). But, through this process my mind did settle on a story . .

A few years ago, one of the midwives I adore told me about her grandmother who became senile before then end of her life. As the grandmother’s mind began to take flight, there was a moment when both she and her family realized with absolute clarity what the future held. At this time my friend, with a heart full of sadness and compassion, said to her grandmother, “It must be difficult to go through this and realize what lies ahead.” But her grandmother surprised her by responding, “Why? I’m going to have fun.” A couple months later at the funeral of her husband, my friend’s grandmother was singing a bit inappropriately (too joyfully) and dipping cookies in her wine. When someone approached her and told her what she was doing, she initially looked a bit shocked but then winked and said, “Well it’s quite good, you should try it.”

I love that story. From that snapshot I see her grandmother as courageous and radiant, and the image releases a bit of the pressure around my heart. Perhaps it is easier for me to allow sadness to settle in my corners but I want to believe that joy is as abundant. I imagine joy demands attentiveness and appreciates an invitation.

So, this is my New Year’s Resolution, to increase that attentiveness, to create an invitation for joy, and in the words of a friend, “to lower my threshold for happiness.”